No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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