i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
