The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
