Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
