I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He better not be in your backpack
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
