its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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