Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
