I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
