I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
