my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
