I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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