i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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