We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
