I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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