I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
