Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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