I wish I could teleport
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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