the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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