So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
