he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
