Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
