Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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