If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
