I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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