o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
PANTIES FOUND
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