Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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