i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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