I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
