Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
