You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
