I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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