i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
