So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
