Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
