my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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