So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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