i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
