Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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