I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
