I looked at my own cervix.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
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