Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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