When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
