sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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