You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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