i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
