Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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