Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
