At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
