Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
