good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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