WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
