when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
