I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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